YOU FAILURE

Bum-bum bum-bum bum-bum bum bum.

…that…that was meant to sound like a drum announcing the winners, not me just saying a synonym for a posterior over and over. Though, if you’d all like to talk about butts for a few hours, we certainly can. I’m something of an aficionado, you see, a relative connoisseur of cans, an admirer of asses, a–

…right, moving on.

First of all, thank you to everyone who entered in my fabulous ARC giveaway! It was a blast for me to run and, even though you all didn’t win, it was an immense amount of fun to get your guesses and responses. Shall we take a look at some of them and see what some of my favorites are? I put away the names of all except the winners, because I’m not sure who would like their privacy protected and who is in fact a demon waiting for their true name to be uttered so they can come into the surface world and wreak terrible vengeance.

Here’s a pretty good one to start us off:

Dear Sam,

You made no mistakes.

D’aww, thanks! Let’s see if this trend continues…

Hi,

My guess is you made 4 mistakes.

Well, that’s also pretty optimistic! Who else is so generous, I wonder…

I’d like to wager a guess and say 14 mistakes. Any more and the book is fluff any less and you’re mister perfect and my low sense of self esteem will not let me read the book, so the answer better be 14.

Fluff?! Mister Perfect?! Why, I never! This trend of–

My guess is 33 mistakes. This isn’t a guess based on your skills as a writer/editor, just a lucky number. No offense. I wouldn’t want you to have start a new list: fans I have tried to defeat in hand-to-hand combat.

Wait! I wasn’t done yelling at the last guy! Hold on, are you suggesting I couldn’t defeat you in hand-to-hand combat, sir?!

I am from England, I have pre-ordered 3 copies from Amazon Uk and USA!

I cannot wait for the release of your much hyped and I am sure worthy publication.

To recieve a personally signed Arc would be heaven, so here goes.

I believe you have made : 45 mistakes!

Sorry I hope that Isn’t too Insulting!

Well, thank you very much! I mean, that isn’t too insulting, considering the utter niceness with which it was spoken, even though that is the biggest guess so f–

Oh dear god,

I cannot estimate the number of mistakes you have left on your proof copy. God knows it’s not the fault of your long-suffering editor or the Colossus of Prose, your copy editor, whose name will echo in praise throughout the halls of Olympus and the hills of Valhalla, or possibly the hells of the tome of the undergnome, or some shit.

Although my guess is as good as that of a drunken boar, the apollonic oracle suggests that your your actual answer is 72. Hide your head in shame, sir. The wheel rolls five ways AT LEAST.

Okay, now I am BE ANGEROUS NOW. Wheels rolling five ways?! Colossi of Prose? Undergnomes? SEVENTY-TWO!? These are getting a little extreme, perhaps we ought to stop and take a–

YOU’VE MADE 31 MISTAKES YOU FAILURE

NOW SEE HERE!

Okay…okay, I’m cool. I’m cool. Just…we’re all pretty good that everyone was here to hold me back, right? Or I’d just be going CRAZY right now! Painting walls with blood! Baking fudge with ASS! I’MMA MAKE YOU EAT AN ASS SANDWICH! AAAARRRHGGHGHGBGLLGGHG…

…what? Oh, right! The number of mistakes!

The actual number was Forty (40) Mistakes (cock-ups). Surprisingly generous, actually, but maybe I’m just that slick? It is indeed possible. So, let’s discuss the winning entries.

There were three, of course (their names have been withheld so someone doesn’t go mug them for their ARCs), and they have already been notified! Their guesses?

37.

42.

42.

Seems like everyone should have paid a little more attention to Douglas Adams, no? He might have been onto something.

Anyway, everyone, I truly and sincerely thank you for your interest in this contest. I am likewise truly and sincerely thankful you weren’t in my house when I opened my inbox and saw so many entries and promptly squealed with excitement. Trust me, the sound would have lingered inside your brain and eventually driven you mad. You have no idea how pleased I am that so many people took an interest in my book.

To that end, I will eagerly invite everyone (save the winners, naturally), to participate in the months before September in trying again! Yes, hopefully, we will be able to run another ARC competition for the North American editions! It’s gon’ be a hot wing doused in two parts awesomesauce, three parts boss-sauce, and YOU WILL EAT IT.

Watch this space for details!

And thank you, one and all, for participating in this contest.

To my UK guessers: I will actually be in London for Eastercon, it looks like, and the launch of my book. If you are there to see it, please don’t hesitate to come up to me and tell me you were involved in the contest. In exchange, I will give you one (1) free hug.

…I charge ten bucks for them, normally, because I know people are copping a feel.

Thanks again, my friends!