Giving Thanks

Since we’re in the middle of the holiday trifecta (TG, Xmas, and NYE), I want to take a moment to give thanks for all that I have received this year.

I’m thankful for my family, my wife, Jenny, and our son, Logan. I never thought life could be so rewarding, but every day is better than the last.

I’m thankful for our extended family; our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. So many have volunteered their time and energy to help us as new parents. It’s marvelous to witness how Logan has brought our entire family closer together.

I’m thankful for Lou Anders and Pyr Books for giving me an opportunity to share my writing with the world. One of my main New Years wishes is to make them very glad they chose me. I’m also grateful to all the other publishers who have taken on the book, and to all those who jump on the Shadow-Train in the coming year.

I’m thankful to my agent, Eddie Schneider, and his (professional) partner, Joshua Bilmes, at JABberwocky for taking in a poor wretch like me. Likewise, I aim to prove myself a wise investment of their time and talents.

I’m thankful for our friends, for their love and support. They make our lives richer.

I hope all of you have a safe and merry holiday season, and a wonderful new year.

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Burton & Swinburne: An Introduction

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Greetings all, and thanks to Lou for allowing me to contribute to the Pyr-o-mania blog.

Have a look at this guy:



His name is Sir Richard Francis Burton and he’s the hero of my alternate history steampunk series, THE BURTON & SWINBURNE ADVENTURES. I want to take this opportunity to give you a little taster … without giving too much away, of course!

First off, some of you may know me from my BLAKIANA website. Back in 2000 I discovered Sexton Blake, the second most written about character in the English language (the first is Nick Carter). Blake is a sort of cross between Sherlock Holmes and Indiana Jones, and his stories (approx. 5000 of them!) are simply terrific … and until this year, none remained in print. So I decided to blow the dust off the old fellow and celebrate his adventures with a huge website. This attracted the attention of such luminaries as Mike Moorcock (whose first published novel was a Blake) and George Mann (who edited the recent Blake anthology) and through these good souls I was fortunate enough to attract the attention of publishers and thus get Burton & Swinburne off the ground.

The first book in the projected series is currently entitled THE STRANGE AFFAIR OF SPRING HEELED JACK, and the style is very Blakeian — the emphasis is on mystery and adventure and, well, BRITISHNESS, I guess!

This is alternate history, folks, so a great many of the characters that appear in the story were real Victorians (howcome famous Victorians had such cool names?). I freely admit, I have walked over their graves, then backed a car over them, then sprayed graffiti on their headstones, then dug ’em up and danced on their bones, then painted a clown’s face on their mouldering corpses. In other words: MASSIVE DISRESPECT! I’ve made Darwin a criminal mastermind, Florence Nightingale a ghoul, Lord Palmerston a freak and Isambard Kingdom Brunel a … well, you’ll have to wait and see.

How do I justify this treatment of Britain’s national heroes? With a simple phrase:

“When one man changes Time, Time changes everyone.”

It’s the ripple effect. One event turns out differently, and from it new opportunities and challenges are born, and in meeting them, people travel different paths to those we’ve recorded as history.

So what can you look forward to? I can promise you a complex hero who very definitely ain’t as pure as the driven snow, a wildly eccentric sidekick who gets an erotic thrill out of pain, a pub crawl in London’s worst stinkhole, missing chimney sweeps, The Beetle, werewolves that spontaniously combust, a panther-like swordstick-wielding albino who is NOT Elric, and, of course, Spring Heeled Jack.

The latter, who is surely one of the weirdest and most mysterious figures in British folklore (Google him!) is fully explained in my tale, and I’ve managed to stick pretty damned close to historical records as far as his exploits are concerned. But man, I wish I knew the truth!

Okay, so let’s say my total disrespect for British history’s great and good is PUNKY; where does the STEAMY come into it? I have to admit, at this point in the story (I’m about 80% done), Burton’s relationship with Nurse Raghavendra

of the Sisters of Noble Benevolence has become far more steamy than I’d planned … but we want TECH, don’t we? Sorry to disappoint, but there aren’t any airships of the dirigible variety. I do, though, have rotorcars, communication pipes, velocipedes and steam-horses. There’s a good deal of copper, brass, studded metal bands, dials, levers, flywheels, gyroscopes, cogs, funnels and crankshafts. I’d love to show it to you right now but a London Peculiar has settled over the city and I can barely see the end of my hand.

So, tally ho, what! THE STRANGE AFFAIR OF SPRING HEELED JACK is scheduled for publication in the UK in April and in the US in the Fall (-ish).

End of ad. Anyone for jellied eels?

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For Your Viewing Pleasure: Geosynchron

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Cover Illustration © Stephan Martiniere
Design by Jacqueline Cooke

The Defense and Wellness Council is enmeshed in full-scale civil war between Len Borda and the mysterious Magan Kai Lee. Quell has escaped from prison and is stirring up rebellion in the Islands with the aid of a brash young leader named Josiah. Jara and the apprentices of the Surina/Natch MultiReal Fiefcorp still find themselves fighting off legal attacks from their competitors and from Margaret Surina’s unscrupulous heirs — even though MultiReal has completely vanished.

The quest for the truth will lead to the edges of civilization, from the tumultuous society of the Pacific Islands to the lawless orbital colony of 49th Heaven; and through the deeps of time, from the hidden agenda of the Surina family to the real truth behind the Autonomous Revolt that devastated humanity hundreds of years ago.

Meanwhile, Natch has awakened in a windowless prison with nothing but a haze of memory to clue him in as to how he got there. He’s still receiving strange hallucinatory messages from Margaret Surina and the nature of reality is buckling all around him. When the smoke clears, Natch must make the ultimate decision – whether to save a world that has scorned and discarded him, or to save the only person he has ever loved: himself.

Coming February 2010

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More Books Than You Can Shade a Stick At

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I’ve spoken recently on here and around the net about several acquisitions.  So you may have heard about Clay & Susan Griffith‘s marvelous Vampire Empire trilogy, an alternate history novel which blends pulp adventure with romance and a touch of steampunk. (Think swashbuckling with bloodsuckers across a fleet of flying airships). I’ve hinted at The Buntline Special, Mike Resnick’s first foray into the Weird West (think steampunk OK Corral with zombies. The interior illustrations, by Seamas Gallagher, are already in and can I just say, “wow!”) And you’ve heard about Jasper Kent‘s historical Russian fantasy, Twelve, (and it’s sequel, Thirteen Years Later), a vampire novel that brings the monsters back to their, well, monstrous roots, and does so against Napoleon’s invasion of Russia. We’ve also talked about Mark Hodder’s Burton & Swinburne in The Strange Affair of Spring-Heeled Jack, a brilliant piece of alt history Victoriana that does what a lot of books which use the iconography of steampunk fail to do, and that is think out its whole world as an amazing exercise in uchronia where every set piece has been built up as a naturally-occurring result of the one before, all the way back to the moment of change between their world and ours. And, of course, you may have seen on Twitter where we are gearing up to publish Legends of the Raven, the second “Raven” trilogy from James Barclay.

Well, those weren’t the only titles I was busy acquiring. I can now tell you about:

Pierre Pavel’s The Cardinal’s Blades, a fantastic bit of swashbuckling historical fantasy slash swords and sorcery that I am head over heels about.

Welcome to seventeenth century Paris, where intrigue, duels and spies are rife and Cardinal Richelieu’s men may be prevailed upon to risk life and limb in the name of France at a moment’s notice. And with war on the horizon, the defense of the nation has never been more pressing.

Danger is rising from the south—an insidious plot which could end with a huge dragon- shaped shadow falling over France. A shadow cast by dragons quite unlike the pet dragonets which roam the cities like stray cats, or the tame wyverns men ride like horses, high over the Parisian rooftops. These dragons and their descendants are ancient, terrible and powerful… and their plans contain little room for the lives or freedom of men.

 Cardinal Richelieu has nowhere else to turn; Captain La Fargue and his elite group of men, the Cardinal’s Blades, must turn the tide. They must hold the deadly Black Claw cult at bay, root out traitors to the crown, rescue prisoners, and fulfill their mission for the Cardinal, for their country, but above all for themselves.

 It’s death or victory. And the victory has never been less certain.

The Author, Pierre Pevel, is one of the foremost writers of French fantasy today. The author of seven novels, he was awarded the GRAND PRIX DE L’IMAGINAIRE in 2002 and the PRIX IMAGINALES in 2005, both for best novel. (The image here is from the UK edition, but we’ve already contracted with our friend and fantastic artist Jon Sullivan to use the same image. Why tamper with perfection?)

And building on his success with The Quiet War (and the expected success of the forthcoming sequel Gardens of the Sun), we’ve gone back and picked up Paul McAuley’s absolutely fabulous Cowboy Angels, because, dammit, American’s need to read this one too:

America, 1984 – not our version of America, but an America that calls itself the Real, an America in which the invention of Turing Gates has allowed it access to sheaves of alternate histories. For ten years, in the name of democracy, the Real has been waging clandestine wars and fomenting revolution, freeing versions of America from communist or fascist rule, and extending its influence across a wide variety of alternate realities. But the human and political costs have proven too high, and new President Jimmy Carter has called an end to war, and is bringing troops and secret agents home. Adam Stone is called out of retirement when his former comrade, Tom Waverly, begins to murder different versions of the same person, mathematician Eileen Barrie. Aided by Waverly’s daughter, Linda, Adam hunts for his old friend across different sheaves, but when they finally catch up with Waverly, they discover that they have stumbled into the middle of an audacious conspiracy that plans to exploit a new property of the Turing Gates: it will change not only the history of the Real, but that of every other sheaf, including our own. Cowboy Angels combines the high-octane action and convoluted plots of the TV series 24 in a satirical, multi-layered alternate reality thriller.

(As we speak, Sparth is at work on the cover.)

Now if you have really been paying attention, you may already know that we have signed debut author Sam Sykes‘s fantasy trilogy, The Aeon’s Gate, which begins in 2010 with Tome of the Undergates. The forthcoming UK edition is already generating huge buzz (but you’ll wait for our edition, yes?) The book is tremendous, and sits tonally very nicely between Joe Abercrombie and Scott Lynch. It’s 180,000 words of action and great character banter that hits hard from chapter one and doesn’t let up. Here’s the description:

Lenk can barely keep control of his mismatched adventurer band at the best of times (Gariath the dragon man sees humans as little more than prey, Kataria the Shict despises most humans, and the humans in the band are little better). When they’re not insulting each other’s religions they’re arguing about pay and conditions.

So when the ship they are traveling on is attacked by pirates things don’t go very well. They go a whole lot worse when an invincible demon joins the fray. The demon steals the Tome of the Undergates – a manuscript that contains all you need to open the undergates. And whichever god you believe in you don’t want the undergates open. On the other side are countless more invincible demons, the manifestation of all the evil of the gods, and they want out.

Full of razor-sharp wit, characters who leap off the page (and into trouble) and plunging the reader into a vivid world of adventure this is a fantasy that kicks off a series that could dominate the second decade of the century.

Finally, we’ve just shook hands yesterday afternoon with Ari Marmell on his brilliant fantasy novel, The Goblin Corps, a very dark and very humorous novel where the bad guys are the protagonists. The novel follows a squad of goblin soldiers–an orc, a troll, a kobold, etc.–during what might be the final days of an evil empire facing attack from the combined forces of humanity and the other “good” races. I cannot begin to communicate how excited I am by it. But those looking for a taste of Ari’s writing can check out The Conqueror’s Shadow, coming this February 2010 from Bantam Spectra. The Library Journal describes it thusly: “Superior storytelling and deft dialog make this a top-notch choice for fans of Glen Cook and James Barclay.” Works by me.

So yes, I’ve been busy.

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Her Sword is Her Power

My conversation with Sasha (A Trial of Blood and Steel)author Joel Shepherd is up at Tor.com. As I say there, “…on top of creating a brilliantly-realized, believable world, Joel also excelled in peopling that world with believable characters, most of them strong, confident women, and telling their tales in a politically-nuanced way that made a lot of his contemporaries efforts seem naive by comparison.”

Here is a taste:

Lou: So, tell us a little bit about Sasha, and how you came up with her.

Joel: Again, I like characters who break convention, and Sasha breaks a whole bunch. Firstly, she’s a fantasy character who reverses that old cliche of the common peasant who discovers they’re heir to royalty, or some other great destiny. Sasha was already royalty, but rejected it.

Secondly, she was born a princess but absolutely HATED everything that little girls are supposed to love about being a princess, and through a series of events becomes a warrior for a strange group called the Nasi-Keth. Not that she can ever stop entirely being a princess, and she still has relations with her family, but she’s certainly out of the power loop, to put it mildly. With too many little girls today still taught to love all princessly things, I found the idea of a princess who as a little girl would much rather play in the mud, ride horses (way too fast) and beat her siblings with a stick in pretend swordfights, just too irresistible. (I like to imagine Sasha sitting today’s little girls down and explaining that the fate of a princess in most realities is to a) marry someone old and ugly, b) spend all your life being told what to do by men of your family, your in-laws’ family (frequently including the mother-in-law from hell) and of course the priests of whatever dominant religion who will expect you to adhere to all their stupid, woman-hating beliefs, and c) to never ever have any fun at all).

And thirdly, I decided quite quickly that in order to become what she is in this patriarchal society, Sasha would have to be incredibly headstrong. That would make her a handful, to say the least, and some might say a nightmare, especially when she was younger. We see the personality type all the time today in top athletes— self-obsessed, almost pathologically competitive, and in Sasha’s case, prone to wild over-exuberance or temper. She can be a pain in the ass, but she has to be, because that’s the personality it takes to be what she is in this world. And I do think she manages to be lovable at the same time, because her heart’s always in the right place, and she’s absolutely selfless in her loyalty to friends and her belief in helping those who deserve it.

Read the whole thing here. 

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Ho Ho Holy Crap

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The Holidays are upon us, the time of year where you continue to provide a reason to your friends and relatives to keep talking to you! But, as you no doubt know, love does not come cheaply unless you have a heap of alcohol. Thus, you are faced with two problems: alcohol is an inappropriate gift to give anyone except your editor and one your two areas of expertise are fantasy books and Diwali decorations.

Fortunately for you, I don’t think of myself as just a violent, angry man whose thoughts you read in anticipation of the day I finally snap, I think of myself as your friend. Thusly, I am bringing to you, in this very post…

Sam Sykes’ Fantasy Book Holiday Buyer’s Guide for Misanthropes and Felons

So! What fantasy book do you buy for people? Well, let’s take it family member by family member…

For your weird uncle who has flashbacks to a war that has never happened…

A tough sell! What do you buy a guy who has entertained thoughts of smothering you with a pillow? Such a gift must be one to stay his hand. Why not try Best Served Cold by Joe Abercrombie? I will not lie to you: Abercrombie is a terrible man and a horse thief, but he is an excellent author and this book is probably his best yet. Filled to the brim with violence, intrigue and possible incest, it is the perfect gift to give a family member!

For your mother who sometimes stares at you for a long time and then sighs…

Clearly, you’re going to want a book that is so fantastic and joyous that your mother will stop questioning why she had you and start questioning why she didn’t have you sooner! Something perhaps a little light on murder and sexual promiscuity…I’ll be frank with you, here, though, I haven’t read a lot of books that feature this. Clearly, the best way to go is the opposite direction and get The Steel Remains by Richard K. Morgan (the “K” stands for “Kay,” I’m told).

For your strange cousin who you once caught talking to the blender and you swore you’d never tell but oh lord it’s just so weird…

Weird, deadpan and surprisingly philosophical perfectly describes one of my favorite urban fantasy authors: Mike Carey and his Felix Castor novels that begin with The Devil You Know. This book is excellent for anyone who finds regular noir to be lacking in paranoiac zombies and regular urban fantasy to be lacking in complex moral issues regarding whether or not it’s right to kill a demon with a tin whistle.

For your sister who is wondering if there is life after Dumbledore…

Harry Potter junkies are notoriously hard to shop for. They’ve read the books, seen the movies and stolen a lock of Alan Rickman’s hair already, so what else is there to do beyond stealing a snowy owl and facing the prison charge? Well, it all depends on what you want from them…

If you want them to hate you…

Try Lev Grossman’s The Magicians. Don’t be fooled, it’s an excellent book, but it’s pretty free of the innocence, wonder and mystery (replaced with sex, drugs and bestiality…or is it bestiality if it’s shapeshifted consenting fox sex?) At any rate, definitely good for those who like a bit of philosophy in their magic school stories.

If you want them to like you…

Then look no further than what is quickly being described as the Potter for adults: The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. With a lot of wonder and awkward teenage courtship going on, it’s got pretty much everything the maturing fantasy reader could want!

Incidentally, what with this being the time of year where people desperately try to relieve the crushing weight of their guilt by donating to charity, please check out Rothfuss’ blog for details on giving to his sponsored charity: Worldbuilders and Heifer International. He’s done an immense amount putting his newfound fame to work for the needy, so why not invest a little money in a good deed? If you’re not too late, you can get prizes, a general good feeling, and I can personally guarantee you that he will give you a big, furry hug or I will hit him with a crowbar (when you belong to the same publishing house, you can’t press charges of threats of violence, this is law). Do keep in mind, though, there is a rumor that his beard eats faces. Consider it carefully when choosing to embrace the beast.

And finally, for that special someone who privately wonders what the noises coming from your basement are…

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch (his website isn’t loading for me and holy crap have you never heard of google, sheesh) is pretty much one of the best books I’ve ever read. I’m loathe to call it the everyman’s fantasy for fear of diminishing how cool it is, but it is quite appealing to all demographics from children with colorful vocabularies to mafia hitmen.

And that concludes this year’s edition! In all seriousness, this guide is pretty much crafted to suggest both some of my favorite books and some fantasy books that are pretty accessible to everyone, no matter how much they’ve read.

As for me, I will be buying my family prints from my favorite webcomic: Beartato (also known as Nedroid). All gifts send a message and this is one is specifically crafted to be deeply confusing.

Also, I’m not a shill for Amazon.com (see! I didn’t link them!), but that is a pretty easy way to buy books, yo.

Happy Holidays! Sleep with one eye open!

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Looking for Some Holiday Gift Ideas….

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The Silver Skull (Swords of Albion) by Mark Chadbourn


“…The Silver Skull has such an array of complex characters, deeply involved in their interesting times and guarding so many painful memories and secrets, there’s something here for anyone who wants more than a bunch of cardboard figures going through the motions while the body count keeps rising.”-Locus, November 2009

“Chadbourn’s plot moves swiftly, from London to Scotland to Spain, with surprises galore along the way, and with memorable heroes and villains, especially the Faerie prince Cavillex, who is a worthy adversary for Swyfte, and a promising young playwright and sometime secret agent by the name of Christopher Marlowe.  Smart, fun, at times surprisingly moving, and occasionally downright shocking, The Silver Skull is impossible to put down.”-Realms of Fantasy, February 2010 issue

“Combining the best elements of a spy thriller, heroic fantasy and Elizabethan mystery, Chadbourn deftly mixes gruesome brutality, a shadowy world of plots and counter-plots and a vivid cast of characters.  Seamlessly weaving historic figures and events into his fictional world, the author creates an alternate reality as tangible and authentic as the history we think we know.  Not just a lightweight adventure novel, this book forces the reader to confront timely issues like the value of torture and the use of evil in the pursuit of good, bringing a level of verisimilitude so fantastic and yet believable, you keep asking yourself if it might be true.  In a year of outstanding fantasies, The Silver Skull may just be one of the best so far.” –Monsters and Critics, November 19, 2009


Diving into the Wreckby Kristine Kathryn Rusch

“Rusch pulls it all off very well, with strong psychological insights into both Boss and those around her, from old friends to the latest enemies.”-Locus, November 2009

“I have not enjoyed a science fiction book this much in many years.  This book reads like great Asimov, Heinlein, Herbert, Pohl, or any of the great masters of science fiction.  The book had all the attributes that make a book great: great characters, great plot, great adventure and most of all great fun.  This book harkens back to the best of classic fiction, and I hope it is a major success, because I want more books like this from Rusch. Read the book and join the adventure; you will not be sorry.  A 10 out of 10. This book will be around for a long time.”-Catches at the Beach, The News Guard, November 18, 2009

“Rusch’s writing transcends the genre. If you enjoy complex characters in a unique environment, suspense, and a rollicking good story, you’ll enjoy this book, and you’ll undoubtedly be hoping to run into Boss again, and soon! ” –Monsters and Critics, November 22, 2009

This Crooked Wayby James Enge

“So could This Crooked Way possibly be equal to what’d come before? It is. It’s the same only different. James Enge is an interesting thoughtful writer. You see him do these little things all the time in the writing that show either off-the-cuff genius or a lot of rewriting, no way to know which…This Crooked Way is definitely a keeper. I read it in two days. And now it’s going to be a YEAR before the next one comes out. Blah.” –Dragons and Swords, November 9, 2009

“…pleasantly reminiscent of the old Lancer/Ace Paperback Conan series edited by L. Sprague de Camp. Through his continuing adventures, Enge’s Morlock is seen to grow and mature into the kind of hero that while capable and deadly, retains a spark of vulnerability and pathos that endears him to readers.”-Realms of Fantasy, February 2010 issue

Noonshade (Chronicles of the Raven 2)by James Barclay

“From the dragon allies fighting a battle in their own dimension to the mages trying to save the home of their magical lore, the story builds layer upon layer and reveals significant growth in Barclay’s use of characterization. What had seemed to be an abundance of ideas that were loosely tied together now comes across as a well-plotted fantasy full of originality. Fans of the first book will be pleased as this sequel and eagerly looking to pick up the next volume.” –Monsters and Critics, November 22, 2009

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Mad Hatter’s Best of 2009

The Year-In-Review reports are starting to appear. Grateful to Mad Hatter’s Bookshelf and Book Review for choosing The Quiet Waras the Best Science Fiction Release, with Diving into the Wreckas the runner-up. And gratified to see Pyr made Publisher of the Year. They write:


“I’ll have to give [Publisher of the Year] to Pyr and Lou Anders for rekindling my love of Science Fiction along with some quality Fantasy and continually publishing series over consecutive months which all Fantasy fans adore.  Plus they have some of the best covers in this or any genre.”

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My Editor is Metal as Hell

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This is really more of a general update blog than anything else, but chock full of news you can feasibly use. If nothing else, you can take this as an opportunity to gain a bit of insight into the vast and complex world of publishing by seeing how an author communicates with an editor. Some of you will likely remember my announcement that I have been picked up by Pyr Books and their very fine editor, Lou Anders.

When presented with the knowledge that I was very pleased that he liked my book, Lou responded thus:

Like it? Made me want to shred my own s&s short into a thousand tiny bits. And stab you in the heart for being in your 20s.

Let me state for those of you who may be curious: it is very good if your editor likes your book. If your editor likes your book enough to wish physical harm upon you? Well, you’re pretty much set, then, aren’t you?

For the record, my editor at Gollancz has never threatened me…with physical harm. Though legend says that if you make him mad enough, he will start cursing at you in Old Entish (he is perhaps the tallest man on earth to be involved in literature outside of Godzilla’s memoirs).

Anyway, onto further news: do you know what an ARC is? It goes by many names: Advanced Reading Copy, Proof, Bound Galley, Doorstop. The important thing is that Tome of the Undergates (my goodness, how did that Amazon link get there, oh well, no time to change it, sadly) has them! They have gone out to many fine blogs, I am told.

Among those most worthy of note: My Favourite Books, The Book Smugglers, Speculative Horizons, The Wertzone, Pat’s Fantasy Hotlist, Graeme’s Fantasy Book Review, NextRead and SFFWorld.com. Haven’t read them? Why not? What have they done to deserve your scorn? I wholly recommend giving them a look, and not just because they may say nice things about me! These are pretty much the gold standard for all opinions and reviews of fantasy fiction in the UK.

…unless they say mean things about me, in which case they are all filthy little wallaby-riders who suckle at the teat of Asmodeus and the resulting lactose intolerant reaction causes global warming that KILLS PUPPIES.

But for the moment, they are all quite good! The fine ladies (for there are two) at the Book Smugglers deserve special mention; their tendency to hunt in a pair allows them to take most authors by surprise and allows one of them to leisurely feed on the remains while the other keeps watch for other competing bloggers.

Note: This has been a confidential sneak peek at the upcoming nature documentary on the habits of book review bloggers, appearing in 2010 and narrated by David Attenborough.

And, in other things newsworthy, since my brand spanking new entry on the Orion Author/Title List has a showing of the cover art for the book, perhaps it is safe to show here, as well! You might have noticed it at the top there! Your reactions? They should pretty much be as follows:

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT WATER! IT’S SO MAJESTIC! SO AZURE! SO SPARKLING! SO SPLASHY!

What’s that? The guy? Well, yeah, I guess he is kind of important to the story and that is a pretty badass-looking sword, but come on…water.

WATER!

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