A Feast for Bros

I had an anti-establishment rant in the barrel and ready to post.  But I figure I’ve done enough of that for awhile.  It’s getting a little boring, in any event.  The problem is that I don’t usually have a lot to talk about beyond writing, what with the fact that most of the stuff I do in life is classified and/or will get me arrested.

And yet, you people expect posts, don’t you?  Content?  Hmm? Maybe stuff about personal life and all that, so as to prove to you that I am a real man, with real blood and real heart, not some cold, unfeeling machine-chine-chine-chine-chine-chine-ERROR ERROR ERROR SHUT DOWN IMMINENT SHUT DOWN IMMINENT ACTIVATE PROTOCOL 285 KILL ALL

…sorry.

Anyway, I’m not sure if there’s any one of you reading this that does not also follow me on twitter and thus are forced to put up with everything I jabber on about endlessly, but just for consideration, I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on in my life.

About three months after I began an exercise and diet program, I’ve started to drop a lot of weight.  Thirty pounds is about how much I’ve lost so far, with more on the way.  I’ve listed off a few buzzwords as to what I’m doing to achieve this, but I get a lot of people asking for details: diet, exercise and the like.  I thought it might be nice to share what I’m doing since I know a lot of us readers and writers, what with our sedentary lifestyles, tend to struggle with weight loss and find it difficult.

To preface: this is what works for me.  It might not work entirely for you.  It might help you out a lot, in which case, I’ll be glad to have indirectly helped.  I’ll certainly take the credit, anyway.  So let’s go down an organized list, piece by piece, and see what’s up.

1. Eat Frequently

This is probably the easiest-sounding part and the hardest to actually accomplish, especially for those of us who spend a lot of time sitting at a computer writing.  We tend to not get hungry all that easily or get so distracted that we simply forget to eat until it’s way late and we’re starving.

Some people mistake a low-intake diet as helpful to losing weight, but this is a mistake.  A lot of what you lose will come from a direct change of metabolism.  If you eat less, your metabolism slows to a crawl and begins to hold onto every calorie you put into it.  It’s a double-shot-in-the-foot, too, since when we don’t eat for long periods of time we start eating an immense amount of food in single sittings, meaning that we put in a lot of food that isn’t going anywhere.  It works for bears, but not for people.  By eating frequently, you will keep your metabolism running and burning.

Consider it to be a little like a furnace.  If you continually put more fuel in, the fires will burn nicely.  If you let them go out, you have to put a crapton of fuel in to get it going and then you’ve just got a big ol’ fire raging out of control and you’ll probably burn your eyebrows off.

2. Eat Clean/Master the Obvious

This is slightly misleading, since when people hear the words “eat clean,” they probably tend to think of sitting down to big bowls of clean, crisp spinach topped with rutabegas and Guatemalan bootyflower, which is a type of rare, crisp herb that grows only in the anus of a large, sweaty IT professional working for a low-rent South American company and the whole image seems about as appetizing as that.

The truth is that a phrase like “Mastering the Obvious” is a lot easier in concept and in difficulty: just cut out that stuff that you know is inarguably bad.  Hamburgers, pizza, typical junk food are stuff you need to bid a slow, quiet farewell to.  No one misses pizza more than I do, but I realized some sacrifices had to be made.  The bonus is that the longer you go without it, the less you miss it.  The more you eat good stuff, the more you crave it.  The first few weeks can be difficult, though.

3. Balance in all Things

That said, if you try to go from a diet heavy in such foods to eating clean, chances are you’ll get frustrated and quit and go back to eating junk.  All nutritionists advocate “cheat” meal and for good reason.  They combat such cravings and give you a chance to still enjoy your favorite foods without totally screwing over your progress.

Just remember, though, to treat it like real cheating.  The goal is to not get caught.  Having a slice of pizza or a fried chicken sandwich once a week is not terrible, it’s the equivalent of palming a card.  Having a three-course steak dinner with triple-baked potatoes is the equivalent of coming to a weight lifting competition having taped yourself to a much larger, more muscular man and hoping no one notices it’s not you lifting the dumbbells.

4. Vegetables

Eat ’em.

5. Protein

Eat it.

6. Sugar

Don’t.

7. Stuff That is Okay

Chicken, Ground Turkey (extra lean), Turkey Jerky, Diet Coke (it’s not great, but I fuckin’ need it), 2% cheese, wheat bread (though not in great amounts), brown rice (you actually start preferring it to white rice after awhile), raw vegetables, raw fruit, some cooked vegetables (corn and peas are not great), some fruit (very high, sugary stuff is not good).

8. Stuff That You Would Think is Okay, But Really Isn’t

Nuts, red meat (protein, but tends to be high in fat and red meat tends to be particularly shady in general), protein bars, vegetables that do not inherently taste like ass, dried fruits (a lot of them are straight up sugar)

9. Fast Food

Making no lies, fast food is, in general, pretty bad for you.  You should avoid it when possible.  Being realistic, though, you’ll probably want it for the convenience.  In such events, it’s about minimizing damage.  Most places have grilled chicken options, which are not really all that terrible, since most of them come with wheat bread.  You should really be avoiding stuff like burgers and other fried stuff on their menus, since it was probably somebody’s cat at some point.

Avoid sauces like mayonnaise and ranch.  Because they’re bad for you.  If that’s not enough, remember that some people use them as personal lubricant.  Not so great now, are they?  Are they?

10. Eat Frequently.  Seriously.

Most importantly is eating frequently.  Snack frequently, snack on protein (beware of bars, they tend to have a lot of sugars in them), snack on green stuff.  Be honest with yourself.  If you know what you’re eating is bad, be brave and resist and remind yourself that it gets easier later.

About Exercise

I work out with a personal trainer three times a week.  It’s tough to recommend anything because exercise works differently for everyone.  I’d suggest trying a bunch of different things and finding out what works for you.

I don’t claim to be anything even remotely resembling a fitness expert, though my friend Sandra is and you might see if she can help you out with a consultation or some shit.  But this is what’s been working for me.  Above all, remember that willpower is necessary and it does get easier.  It’s not about necessarily looking good, but it does make you feel better and no one ever regretted being healthier.

So be cool.