You Shall Not Pass

Now, I know that the end of year is typically where you see a lot of blogs posting a “Best/Worst” lists, summarizing their reads, their events, their very lives in a few paragraphs or awards.  And I had thought about doing that, but I wound up writing only the Worst parts and doing so in immense rants that would have blotted out the sun.

Not because my year was terrible.  In fact, this was probably the most important year of my professional life.  This was the year I started actually treating writing as a profession, an art and a craft in equal measure.  This was the year I finally took initiative and started treating myself like the professional I wanted to be seen as.  This was the year I finally stopped pretending I was a man simply dipping my toes in the genre pool and dove headlong into a vast, geeky deep end.  This was the year I felt extremely happy to be doing what I was doing.

This was the year that The City Stained Red was accepted to be published next year.

And yet, I don’t really feel like reflecting on all that.  To me, that’s the sort of thing to be done when you’re at your journey’s end.  Mine is just beginning.

But at the same time, I don’t want to dwell on negativity that hasn’t really happened to me.  So, instead, I’d like to talk about another New Year’s tradition: drinking.

Before we go any further, I’d like you to consider three Truths that are irrefutable:

1. I am a man who is well-versed in the ways of alcohol and my opinion can be generally trusted.
2. I am not getting any younger and may reach the day where it is unacceptable for me to become so crustacean in my imbibing.
3. The general readership of fantasy is progressively getting younger, with much of the allure of geekdom having reached mainstream audiences and much of the thrill of readership being taken up young people who have parties and such.

It is to them that I leave this, my finest drinking game.  It is called…

THE WORST GAME IN THE WORLD

A Wizard’s Quest

You will need:

• People
• Alcohol
• A wizard’s hat (you don’t need this, but it helps)

This is how it works.

When your party begins, everyone chooses a drink: beer, wine, mixed drinks or non-alcoholic drinks.

You begin accumulating wizardly power by drinking.  Every third beer, second wine or mixed drink, or fifth non-alcoholic drink, you get to cast a spell from the list of spells written below.  Each spell takes the form of a drink that the person(s) you cast the spell upon must consume, with special rules to follow each drink.

Now, some friends do not enjoy or otherwise do not partake in the consumption of alcohol.  There are non-alcoholic solutions also included in the spell.

But it is also true that some friends are assholes whose primary enjoyment of a drinking game is to punish others.  There are non-alcoholic versions that are also straight punishments, in case you don’t want to let your more restrained friends off without a hitch.

Sam Sykes’ Liquid Spellbook

Fireball

Ingredients

1 oz. of Fireball Whiskey (or other cinnamon whiskey)

Use

Choose a person in the room to cast the spell upon.  Fireball explodes upon impact.  Everyone within arm’s reach of that person must take a shot of Fireball.

Non-Alcoholic Version

Tomato juice with a splash of Tabasco.

Asshole Version

Straight Tabasco.

Melf’s Acid Arrow

Ingredients

2 oz. White Rum, 2 oz. Midori, 2 oz. Sour Apple Schnapps, fill in a large glass with ginger ale.

Use

Melf’s Acid Arrow burns slowly over time, so the drink may be consumed at leisure.  At no point may the target put down the drink, or it will instantly deal damage, meaning they must finish the drink immediately.

Non-Alcoholic Version

2 oz. Grape Juice, 2 oz. Apple Juice, Splash of Lime Juice, fill in a large glass with ginger ale.

Asshole Version

They have to chug it immediately.

Magic Missile

Ingredients

1 oz. Champagne, 1 oz. Chambord, Splash of Lime Juice or Grenadine.

Use

Pour five shots of the above drink.  Magic Missile can be distributed as you see fit, giving all five to one target, one to five different targets, three to one target and two to another target and so forth.

Non-Alcoholic Version

1 oz. Cranberry Juice, 1 oz. Soda Water, Splash of Lime Juice.

Asshole Version

2 oz. Lime Juice, splash of Soda Water.

Prismatic Spray

Ingredients

2 oz. Vodka, 1 oz. Rum, 2 oz. Chambord, 2 oz. Midori, 2 oz. Pineapple Juice

Use

Prismatic Spray has an area of affect.  Choose four people in the party.  All four of them must contribute to finishing the drink.

Non-Alcoholic Version

2 oz. Grape Juice, 2 oz. Ginger Ale, 2 oz. Cranberry Juice, 2 oz. Pineapple Juice

Asshole Version

Double each portion.

Finger of Death

Ingredients (yes, this will taste horrible)

2 oz. Jaegermeister, 1/2 oz. Vodka, 1 oz. Mountain Dew.

Use

Choose a person to cast the Finger of Death upon.  That person must imbibe.  However, necromancy is a dark art, not to be taken lightly and never used without a price.  Whosoever casts Finger of Death must also take the drink.

Non-Alcoholic version (this will taste worse)

2 oz. of an Energy Drink, 1 oz. Lime Juice, 1 oz. Mountain Dew

Asshole Version

Finger of Death is not shared by the caster when cast with Asshole’s Law.

So, anyway…

This is the basic rule of Wizard’s Quest.  As you can see, it’s fairly well open for future spells.  I trust everyone to make it their own.

I dearly hope I’m remembered for my fiction.  I dearly hope I’m remembered for my characters, my wit, my observations on humanity’s relationship with the divine.

But if I can’t, I’ll be happy just making some dumb kids wearing wizard hats puke.

Happy New Year’s, everyone!  See you in 2014!