Having been a professional author for three or so years now, people occasionally ask me for advice on the profession. Amongst these are questions I cannot answer to anyone’s satisfaction, such as how one gets published (you write a good book), how one writes a good book (you just do) or how one goes about finding an agent (no clue, mine came to me).
But one question that I am always happy to answer is the question of social media and how to navigate it as an author.
And to that, my answer has always been the same, summarized in one simple rule.
If it’s not fun, don’t do it.
Now, there are reasons to do this beyond just simple hedonism. Social media being as important as it is, there are plenty of reasons to do it even if you don’t find it fun. But I have found that the main reason to adhere to that one simple rule is also summarized in one singular statement and that is that emotions have a way of seeping through.
If you are not having fun on social media, then it becomes obvious. Maybe not at first, but eventually, the cracks will begin to show. You’ll start getting short and curt with people in your twitter replies. You’ll start finding yourself loathing the sight of familiar names that pop up in your feed and be unable to keep them out. You’ll start getting tired of it, then you’ll start getting angry, then you’ll start getting depressed. Then you’ll eventually snap, melt down in front of everyone on your blog or another blog and, since nothing is ever lost on the internet, your disgrace will be commemorated in a jaunty tune, sung throughout the ages in the great halls of chatrooms and blogospheres.
Most authors, editors, bloggers, readers, writers, monks, pharaohs, suicide girls, barnyard animals and dirigible pilots will all offer you the same advice toward this: “Don’t respond. Don’t get involved. Don’t confront. Don’t reproach. You’ll never come out looking well.”
And I think, by and large, that this is very good advice. And yet…there’s something awry with that sentiment that I’d like to talk about today.
The main reason to use social media is to interact with fans. And that’s a huge draw. I’ve had dozens, if not hundreds of people say how awesome it is to be able to ask your favorite author something and see them respond to you personally. And likewise, I’ve had immense fun with it, not just because people occasionally call me their favorite author. I’ve loved getting fan opinions, getting into debates with readers, talking about stuff that I’m really interested in and having a huge pool of people that I can inquire further into at a moment’s notice. It’s a great social tool.
And with this, inevitably, comes the stresses of a social situation. You occasionally find people who will be rude to you, intentionally or otherwise. You’ll find people who will leap in and, in an attempt to be clever or mean, confirm that your self-deprecating joke about your forgetfulness is not actually a joke and they do, in fact, think you are an imbecile. You’ll find people who will make some truly bizarre commentary on your appearance like it’s no big deal.
I’ve got a picture of a screaming monkey as my twitter avatar. I wholly intend to change this to a picture of myself at some point. And I can already see in my head the people who will say “lol can’t tell the difference” and I can already see myself getting angry and sad. As a guy who thought he was wildly hideous for most of his life, I’m still not great at taking jokes about my appearance.
And I can already hear people telling me not to respond to that. But surely, you can see my dilemma here? Do respond to the positive, don’t respond to the negative, do treat everyone like they matter, don’t treat some people like they do, do assume the best of people, don’t think that they’re going to be nice. Social situations are already hard to read, even moreso online, and it’s hard to tell someone’s intentions online. What about the people who seem to be mean, but think they’re being clever or good-naturedly jabbing you? What about the people who namedrop you in twitter in their criticisms of you and get mad when you don’t respond? Who do you pay attention to and who do you don’t?
I’m coming to question the wisdom of the idea of “don’t respond, ever.” I think there’s a lot of virtue in “don’t respond,” but I think there are times when the “ever” is just too much.
I get weird comments on my twitter and facebook a lot (I get it, I have a weird sense of humor, people want in on it), and for the most part I’ve been content to ignore it. But I noticed that, without an external outlet, I internalized a lot of the stress of having someone make a smart-ass remark about my appearance, or a “joke” about my obliviousness to something, or a gross theory on my personal life.
Remember what I said about emotions seeping through?
I was getting curt. I was getting short. I was getting downright angry. This is not great for me. When I call myself the angriest man in the world, I’m only half-joking. As a soft-spoken fat kid who liked to read, I was picked on a lot in school. To fight back, I became mean. I became incredibly mean. To the point that old classmates I meet will still confess times I made them cry in the bathroom.
I don’t want to be that person again. I needed to do something.
So, over the course of a week, I confronted three different commentaries. I told them that they were unhelpful, impolite or hurtful. I did not call them names, I did not cast aspersions on them as people. I pointed out that I had a problem with what they said.
It felt really good.
And I realized that I needed that. I needed to be able to tell people that, while I might like them, I don’t like what they said (and the difference is crucial). And I realized that most people were trying to be clever, or good-natured, or just didn’t realize it and they were apologetic. I think it was wiser for me to call them out now than internalize my distaste for their commentary until it became synonymous with them. It felt good to do that.
And so, I’m advising authors to consider that. Consider that your feelings are not irrelevant. Consider that it’s okay to call people out for what they said and still being able to like them as people. Consider the fact that this is stressful and you need to protect yourself or you will meltdown.
And consider the fact that not everyone is going to be apologetic. This is the internet; whoever is meanest is still the strongest and there’s no way to make people apologize. Some people will say “you just lost a reader.” And really, that’s the implicit threat in the “don’t respond” advice, isn’t it? Don’t get a reputation as a guy who calls people out all the time, don’t be aggressive or belligerent or you might lose readers.
I am telling you, right now, that your readership is never going to be so small that you need to accept people trying to make you miserable out of fear of losing their patronage.
Nor am I advising that you be on-guard all the time. Don’t look at readers as foes or people who will hurt you. That’s a mistake. Readers are wonderful people. They love your work and, by proxy, they love you. The vast majority of them do not want to offend, intimidate or irritate you. The vast majority of them want to be on good terms with you and you should want to be on good terms with them. Be patient, be polite and never, ever call them out as people you dislike.
Social media is important as a writer. It’s too important to let yourself not have fun with it.
So take the time to consider it.
Well said.
Sam, this was an amazing blog, and, as one who’s just taking first tentative steps into using a familiar tool for an unfamiliar purpose – that of promoting my work – I found it both helpful and sad. It always seems such a joyful prospect, having a ready-made platform from which to launch the exciting things that happen as a result of a publishing deal, or a new idea, or whatever’s happening at the time, but it’s worth bearing in mind the things you’ve said here, and going through some kind of pre-emptive toughening up process. I tend to expect everyone to be nice all the time – not about my work, necessarily, although that would be nice! – but in general. I can’t understand why anyone would be intentionally hurtful, but, as you say, often it’s not intentional at all, and if you don’t call them on it, how will they realise? I’d hate to think I’d said something that’d been taken the wrong way and caused upset, but I’m sure it’s happened.
I intend to remember your advice if and when the trolls come out to play. Thank you so much for putting it into words, and sharing your experience with us.
Hi,
It’s me “unhelpful”.
Being honest with people is ok. To set boundaries of what you will not tolerate from your Twitter guests is your right. I do think in most instances it is best to ignore mean spirited remarks.
I used to play this online game that you played with and against total strangers. It was a valuable lesson on just how cruel people will behave when they believe you are unable to find out their true identity.
Social media is definitely a two-edged sword.
Nicely stated. Written word comes across differently than when spoken. Especially if you do not have the gift of writing. It is easier to sit in the privacy of my home and type this response or tweet. Intimacy is quickly obtained in Social media. Barriers are broken. I could never talk with you face to face. Too nervous.
I love when authors respond back to me. I only write positive comments or questions though because I’m old school.
I cringe when I read what is written to authors, celebs etc. There are plenty of stupid people on social media. I guess everyone has a right to freedom of speech.
I applaud your attitude, willingness to interact and to stand up for yourself. You are incredibly gifted and intelligent writer.
Good advice for life in general, I think. 🙂
like your style. thank you for the insight.
VERY well put!!
Great Blog Sam! Social Media can be the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is no reason to accept online, what no one would have the nerve to say to your face. There can be a lot of trolls out there.
Mr. Sykes: Bravo! While I don’t twitter (have not a clue), and have not read your books (yet: I will now that I’ve seen how well your work with words), I think what you wrote here is also good advice on life in general… not just social media. Negative, icky people exist in all our lives: the workplace, neighbours, whatever. Kudos to you on your good common sense and maturity, and the reminder to all of us on how properly to deal with the drudges in our lives.
I found this site as I am a great and long time fan of your mother’s works …. and can see by your writing that you have a great talent of your own. And, you are a fine looking young man (I am 59, so I do hope you’ll forgive me for saying so) 🙂 I am proud of you.
Hi Sam, I stumbled across your post on dealing with social media and must say what a joy it was to read such a sensible and mature summary of the issues facing users today. It takes a lot of discipline not to respond to some posts, particularly when those comments represent flagrant ignorance, self aggrandisement, or meanness. I was sorry to read of your social/emotional adjustment issues at school. The Mumma instincts in me make me want to protect you, and give you a hug. I can see from your partially obliterated portrait that you have lovely brown eyes. I would encourage you to stand tall and be proud of how you look right now. I can tell by your writing that you are very intelligent, thoughtful and empathetic. Looks like I will have to dabble in the genre you write in now! With best wishes – Janet
Sam, great blog post. I do love your sense of humor and crazy posts, it is unfortunate that there are so many personas in the social media who do not have good manners or are just rude. It is my internal hope (though I would not call myself an optimist:)) that given more time social media would develop its own form of etiquette. One can always hope, right? For now, I think your approach is the best and the healthiest 😉
Thanks for that, Sam. Having also been picked on a lot when I was younger, I have a hard time letting slights (or perceived attacks) go. I had been pondering how to deal with a hurtful exchange and your post gave me both food for thought and alternative ways of handling it to ponder.
Sorry Sam, I was not aware of you as an author but of course I shall have to look up your books. Wonderfully written, well said. I think one can give an opinion on Social Media without being sarcastic and mean.
I am just a reader, not a writer as you can tell I am sure.
Great advice in here. I adore the authors I interact with and I am very grateful for their interaction.
Well said and very insightful. No matter what you do in life, there will always be those who will show their immaturity/rudeness/ignorance/pettiness or just lack of basic common courtesy and manners.
Most are just trying to make themselves feel better about something they are lacking personally ( physically/emotionally/ mentally/financially etc ).
Some are just plain jealous and find pleasure in getting a rise out of others – and it only makes it better if it is public with a large audience and permanent ( the internet – where nothing ever truly is deleted )
The advent of social media has increased this to the point that some unhappy people spend hours daily trying to degrade others. I have noticed this first in teenagers and now in the entire population. ( people need to realize that high school ends and the drama should be left behind )
I am impressed with the ability to communicate with authors, musicians, actors, etc on social media. It makes them “real ” .
I rather enjoy it.
At times I ramble and I apologize. To sum my thoughts up :
I am an ER RN – I meet people daily that are rude, manipulative, mean, hateful and hate their own existence to the extent that they want to make mine equally as unhappy.
I have choices:
1- grit my teeth, throw on a fake smile and kill them ( no not literally )
with kindness
2- do the bare minimum and avoid them as much as possible and get them out if my ER
3- Throw a fit, dissolve into tears and hide in the bathroom
Of course if the become physically aggressive and belligerent and therefore a ” harm to themselves and others ”
I can also ” sedate em and intubate em ” :0 ( don’t you wish that was one of
YOUR options at times 😛 )
So continue your work, enjoy your public, keep interacting and if a fan ( or non-fan) gives you too much grief try not to take it too personally. It is usually based on their own shortcomings rather than yours.
Keep on being awesome for the people who love and appreciate your work and be proud of overcoming your own weaknesses.
( yes this commentary was made by a mom of teenagers)
“I am telling you, right now, that your readership is never going to be so small that you need to accept people trying to make you miserable out of fear of losing their patronage.”
I’ve not yet read any of your works, Mr. Sykes, but this statement alone has made me a fan. It’s applicable to my industry to be sure (I’m an actress), but more important, it’s universally relevant. A good reminder of something I sense most people know, deep down. Cheers ~ E
Diana Gabaldon posted this for her fans to read. In reading it your thoughtful and insightful in use of social media responses and I like the way you handle those responses that may be crass.
Hi! First time commenter here.
It’s interesting how we’re always told that we should never engage when in a lot of cases, a polite “Please stop doing this” is a simple and effective way of putting a stop to hurtful comments or behavior that makes us uncomfortable before it escalates. I wonder if we wouldn’t all benefit from a little polite confrontation.
by the way that was more for you i suck at internet savvy sometimes 🙂 np if it isn’t posted. I found your list of books on your connecting page so ty for that, and.. maybe i spelled it wrong when I searched one night, as i searched for a while.
Institute for the Study of Contact with Non Human Intelligence that is
Excellent post. I think you give insight as to how any of us should deal with a bully.
It is empowering. Most of us deal with bullying at some point, even as adults.
Thanks!
Sam,
This is so well said. Thank you. At times it’s hard not to take the rude commentary personally. Like you said though , it’s very important to not negate your own feelings. When I do that I just get bitter, start fighting back and I just don’t want to go there as I’ve discovered that it takes energy away from what I really love to do and that is write:)
Thanks again,
Beth
Your advice is spot on for any social media user. Come to think of it, it’s relevant for any social interaction.
Well said, Sam! Great advice for everyone who has to deal with difficult people, online or otherwise.
Hi Sam Thanks for your comments. I am a public school teacher who has students who interact with me both face to face and online-I choose to do this for the same basic reasons-a kid needs to see a teacher as a real human being, not just an authority figure. They need someone to treat them as a person and to think their ideas are valuable. When kids would say something mean to me or each other-in the same kind of attempts to be funny or cute, I used to take it personally or get irritated, short, etc. Caused me some problems-but then I learned to call them out-the same thing-let them know that what they said wasn’t acceptable to anyone, and instead of getting angry and me having to send them to the principal’s office for disrupting the class, they apologized, for the most part, and the other kids in the classroom appreciated and supported me for being honest with them. It’s simply a win-win scenario that works in many social situations.