Perhaps you didn’t know this about me, but I sometimes get invited to fancy events to share my writerly knowledge with those who don’t yet realize that it mostly involves me doing seal impressions with the words “conflict” and “subgenre” mixed in.
The Tucson Festival of Books is one such event.
I’ll be there this next weekend with such legends as Patrick Rothfuss and Kevin Hearne! Also, other people who probably have vowels in their names! Vowels like U and Y!
Would you like to come and see me? I bet you would. Have a look at this schedule here:
Saturday
Antiheroes (1 PM Koffler 218): This promises to be an exciting piece of information on the nature of heroes and what makes them anti. Is it a lack of love? A lust for gold? A need for buzzwords like “antihero?” JOIN ME IN FINDING OUT.
Sunday
Worldbuilding (11:30 AM, Koffler 218): This one I’m actually a bit excited about. I’ve always scorned and derided worldbuilding before. I think I’ve come a long way from that and now usually merely express my contempt for it lightly, like you sometimes do about that one uncle who peed himself at the wedding.
From Fan to Professional (2:30 PM, ILC 119): I was once a fan. Now I am a professional. The journey took me through deepest Vietnam and into the heart of war. In the midst of a fever dream I got from a mushroom taken from the lips of a banshee, I became a man. Join me on this trial. Join me, for I fear for myself.
Epic Fiction (4 PM, Koffler 204): What is an epic? A miserable little pile of fiction! But enough talk, have at you!
Booksigning
You can find me at The Poisoned Pen booth on Sunday at 2 PM! Even if I’m not there, you can leave a book there and I’ll be sure to sign it before the Festival is done! The people there should have a line on me, so feel free to drop them off!
Now, the last time I was at the Tucson Festival of Books, I had a young lady decide to buy my book based solely on the banter I had with Brent Weeks on twitter. This has since led me to the undeniable conclusion that abusing my colleagues is good for sales. People just love a saucy exchange of dialogue. With that in mind, I tried to contact Brent to heap some more anger upon his face.
Unfortunately, as a wildly popular writer, it turns out he had better things to do.
Unwilling to give up the fight, I tried using the ancient knowledge of my forebears to use a Ritual of Summoning to compel him to do my bidding. Unfortunately, I got the incantation wrong and wound up summoning the wrong Weeks, a Weeks from a foul and nether place. But, for the benefit of my fans, I shall not let this opportunity go wasted. Behold, then, my dialogue with Brent Weeks’ evil twin…
…Brunt Wooks!
So, then, Brunt, are you excited for this year’s Festival of Books?
BRUNT WOOKS AM DELIGHTED TO BE PART OF FESTIVITIES. BRUNT WOOKS EXCITED TO HAVE EXISTENCE VALIDATED.
No doubt you are, Mr. Wooks! What sort of banter do you think our fans should expect between us this year?
BRUNT WOOKS AM CONCERNED VERILY ABOUT SUBJECTIVE MULTITUDES. WHY SKY IS BLUE. WHY WATER FLOW. THINGS SUCH AS THESE WE HAVE NOT IN WOOKSWORLD.
Ha! What exotic charm! Do you think that’s the inspiration for your popular books?
BRUNT WOOKS AM POWERED BY DESPAIR. BRUNT WOOKS OFTEN STARE INTO YOUR LIVING WORLD THROUGH MIRROR. BRUNT WOOKS SEE PEOPLE WHO AM SMILING. BRUNT WOOKS TRY MIMIC, BUT CAN ONLY FROWN. THIS IS WHY BRUNT WOOKS CRY.
Terrific.
See you guys there!
Great job at the festival of books today, I was very impressed. I look forward to reading some of your work. I am also glad to see a new young writer! Singing “You are my Sunshine” with Pat and an auditorium full of people was probably the funniest thing I have seen in weeks. It is good to smile. If you recorded it can you seed me a link? I also look forward to reading “John Dies at the end” and “Nothing to Envy”. Have a great week.
Best Regards,
-Toni