The tail end of January isn’t generally well-loved.
More so than an impending storm, more so than climate change, more so than a swarm of locusts, people seem to have the ability to sense the coming of February and their dread for its arrival mounts with each passing day we inch closer to that most loathed of dates.
February 14th.
Valentine’s Day.
The day when society loads a heaping helping of You’re-Not-Normal-Unless-You’re-Buying-Flowers buckshot into its Passive Aggressive Cannon, aims it right between our eyes, and lets fire. It’s the day when you’re made to feel abnormal if you’re single, inadequate unless you’re spending your life’s savings on your significant other and unwanted if no one buys you a giant novelty teddy bear that vomits joy into your eyes when squeezed.
Yes, Valentine’s Day is usually considered the most beloathed of holidays and for good reason.
But that all changes this year.
Because this year, you have someone to help you.
Yes, that’s right! This year, two of the most well-intentioned misanthropes are back to help you negotiate the perilous, twisted trails of modern love and instruct you on how best to survive this Valentine’s Day with your heart intact and blood on your lips.
Last year, Kataria and Denaos answered many questions about love, life and relationships as honestly and unhelpfully as they possibly could. Many good men and women found solace in their answers. Many more went to prison.
This year, they’re hoping to be even more less successful in helping you in your quest to become the paragon of romantic exertion!
Do you have a question about love? Do you have a question about the opposite sex? Do you have a desire just to ask an alcoholic sociopath and an unwashed, be-fanged savage woman what they think of your situation?
Simply go to this Contact Form here and type “Dear Kataria” or “Dear Denaos” or maybe both in the header, then type your love-related question in the body.
Questions about how to land the perfect date, questions about how to approach that guy you’ve been coyly dropping hints to, questions about how to escape an amorous date once they have the scent of your fear in your nostrils, all will be answered by our relationship experts!
Questions will be answered on February 14th, just in time for you to enact the cunning plan they are doubtless to deliver to you!
The most interesting question will receive a signed copy of The Skybound Sea!
What constitutes “interesting?” I guess Kataria and Denaos will tell us!
So what are you waiting for, you lovelorn fool? Email today!
Dear Kataria and Denaos,
I’ve heard that eating a bit of chocolate creates a bodily reaction similar to the feeling of being in love. My question is: how much and what kind of alcohol is best for getting through V-Day without either strangling the lovey-dovey people or sobbing uncontrollably in the corner?
Dear Kataria and Denaos,
How do I make women understand my love for the precious is not a threat to my love for them? I loves the precious, and I loves her. But she gets mad when we touches her, yes she does, doesn’t she precious? She does, she does!
GOLLUM, GOLLUM, GOLLUM….
*Stupid fat girlfriend, she stoled my heart. We wants the heart, we needs it. Must have the heart. They stole it from us. Sneaky little girlfriendses. Wicked, flirty, false…
No precious, we mustn’t say that. Master will get angry, master will hear.
*Then we steals back the chocolate and we be the master!
Yes. No! No! It’s too risky. It’s too risky.Girlfriendses, she knows. She’s always watching.
*Where would you be without me, gollum, gollum? I saved us! It was me! We survived because of me!
Yes, precious…
…as you can see, I’m conflicted. Help, we needs help?!
GOLLUM GOLLUM GOLLUM
Dearest Kataria and Denaos,
Sooo, next month marks my 17th birthday (like two days after valentines) but my teacher and I are wanting to do something special on valentines to show our commitment for one another. Guys in my class are asking me out, but they’re just *so* immature, and young for me, though their my own age, but still. Anyways, what can I do with him? It’s totally awks when we’re out together and people see us, but still want to do something to mark valentines day and 1 yr together. What’s your advice? How do we make this special?
Dear Denaos, I’m in love with my books. How can I tell if they love me back? I used to able to read their minds, but recently I’ve been pulled away from them due to work. Any tips re-kindling the fire? (pun intended)
Dear Kataria and Denaos,
Why do I keep getting men answering my personal ad for casual sex? I mean, I put in there that I have no desire for players and want a lasting relationship. THEN when I answer their note with statements like, Anyone with a modicum of intelligence should be able to read and see I am not interested in a player, they get upset and call me a b—-. I can barely restrain myself from getting my sword and cutting their head off. Maybe I shouldn’t restrain myself with this. But the local police always get upset with headless bodies in their city. :::sighs:::
I just want someone I can trust to cover my back when out pillaging and making some extra money. Someone who will help me look over the contracts and figure out which ones we should take so we can retire to that manor house on the hill I have been looking at. It has a great view and comes with some very industrious serfs. It would be a good retirement home…maybe open up a sword and mercenary school…:::sighs dreamily:::
So what do you think? Have you got some good advice for me???
Sincerely yours in swords,
Linda
I am thinking about taking my partner to a nice restaurant in this coming valentines day. And give her a card with a sweet message on how much I appreciate her.
Dear Kataria,
I’ve been in a relationship with a young lady now for going on three years. We where highschool sweethearts, and are now engaged. However, I find myself attracted to men. How do I tell her this? She’s been apart of my life for so long that I can’t live without her, but I also want to be honest with myself and spend time intimately with guys who I actually physically desire. Is there a way I can break this to her and not lose her as a part of my life entirely?
Sincerely,
Queerbot