Answer the Companions, Part I: Love and Terror

 

 

 

 

 

 

“All right, all right.  Let’s get this over with.  Though I think if people can’t mate on their own, they’re clearly asking the wrong people.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Do me the honor of speaking plainly for yourself.  Those of us possessed of some amount of tact might learn something about the fine art of love and vengeance.  First letter, if you please.”

From M.R.E.

Dear Kataria,

Do you have any past experiences concerning inter-racial relationships? Because I know this she-elf I’m trying to approach but my feeble human mind can’t come up with a way to bypass her inate hatred for mankind(she’s that kind of elf), so I’m turning to a higher power(you)for help and I hope that I can get some solid advice.

If not then could you possibly help me break this curse that she put on me a while ago(the elf version of a restraining order);these weird seizures and severe bouts of diarrhea are a really pain in the ass.

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

“These are already off to a bad start.  If it’s not curses and interracial relationships, it’s diarrhea.  What exactly makes you think I’m qualified to comment on these?

“Don’t answer that.

“You may be out of luck here, friend.  I don’t claim to understand human psychology and their whole ‘playing hard to get’ thing.  I mean, if you want something, you’re supposed to go out and take it, right?  I can appreciate social mores like subtlety and bathing, but there’s no reason to go smiling shyly, batting eyelashes and penning sonnets under the pseudonym ‘thy own true lourve’ or whatever when you can just grab a handful of genitalia and scream: ‘THIS.  THIS IS MINE.’

“That said, I do claim to understand bodily functions.  And if a girl’s presence gives you diarrhea, that’s one of those social mores you’re just not supposed to go against.  My advice is to find a nice girl who inspires a lesser bodily function, like belching, and settle down and raise a mess of gassy children together.”

From Carl

Dear Denaos,

This Valentines Day I will find myself alone without a significant other to celebrate the miracle of love having recently separated from my girlfriend. I will not be getting any unless I get drunk stick Call of Duty into the X-Box and start yelling, ”COME GET SOME. COME GET SOME!!!!” into the headset whereupon a sniper will give me some right between the eyes.

It’s not that I want to buy ridiculous gifts or do anything that people would consider romantic. I never have, and hesitate to believe that any many brave enough to be honest with himself does. ”Perhaps”, I said to myself, ”This is the problem.” So here is my question. Do you think that a man’s conception of love and valentines day is jilted because of all the pressure to make HER day so special?

Your Denaos-ciple, CW

 

 

 

 

 

“Carl, your questions are not without merit.  Which is why this has been a topic that has consumed most philosophers since the day mankind invented undergarments and subsequently started paying people to take them off.

“We could sit here and open up to each other and talk about how love, true love, is a thing that exists on its own, bereft of gifts or holidays.  We could sit here and discuss how, when the love is true, your perception of it doesn’t really matter because it is, and always has been, the most objective force in the universe and, regardless of appearance, sex or income, will always speak louder than any logic, cynicism or jadedness.  We could declare, through hugs and tears, that what we think love is is irrelevant, because love simply is and when we feel it, everything else will not matter.

“But we both know that’s ridiculous.

“So my advice to you is to simply prey upon peoples’ perceptions of love and use it to your own advantage.  First, capture their interest by batting your eyelashes softly, tittering (you know how to titter, don’t you, Carl?  It’s the sound you make when you hate the person you’re with and you need to pay the rent) at their jokes and conveniently bending over to show a little tightness in the rear end (be careful with this, though, it can go really wrong, really fast).

“Then, when you’ve got them lured in, pump them for gifts and leave them in alley somewhere.”

From Laura Bears

 Dear Kataria, My husband and I have been together for a while now and have sort of fallen into a routine slump. In an effort to spice things up, I have tried to introduce a little violence into the bedroom. This appeals to my more adventurous and slightly masochistic side. Unfortunately, he is completely turned off. Being an expert in violence and what not, do you have any suggestions or recommendations to help make our relationship a bit more interesting for me yet still keep him in the mood?

“Ah, see, your problem there is that you’re just getting too excited.  Think of it like hunting.  When you see an elk come into the clearing, do you jump out of the bushes smeared in your filth and strangle it to death right there?  No.  Because you’ll scare the elk and then you’ll be hungry and smell bad.  The real way to catch an elk is to be patient, wait for it to come to you, tantalize it with a rare mushroom, and then pounce.

“So, if we continue along this line of thinking, then we need to adjust our strategy.  You can’t just start choking your husband at random.  He’ll be confused, scared and probably go hide in the closet.  You’ll be frustrated, lonely and now you can’t even get into the closet to put on some pants so you can go out and buy some food while he’s busy crying.

“No, instead, you need to be calm and act as though nothing is going to happen.  You need to let the elk know that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that his world is all right.  Put him at ease with positive emotions, like taking him out to dinner or drinking something expensive together.  Remember, you always need to move slowly when approaching an elk, so make sure you’re doing all this together.  It will put his mind at ease and make you feel less weird for doing it.

“When the time comes to be violent, the same rules apply.  You move slowly, pinning his hands beneath your own, running your tongue along his jaw before nipping gently at his neck.  These are vulnerable areas, so he’ll be tense, but you don’t make any sudden moves.  Then, you can ease into it slowly, while he’s comfortable, and then move onto more violence when he’s ready.

“And then you can smear yourself in your own filth.”

From Joao

Dear Kataria,

My name is Joao. I am the heir to a noble family from a city that exists beneath the sea. I’ve been going to university in a nearby dryland city, and I’ve met a girl.

Actually, I saved her life, but that’s a long story. Needless to say, I’m smitten with her.

The problem is, the girl is from a faraway land, is not of noble birth, and her land is covered in desert.

Can this relationship possibly work?

Yours Truly,
Joao, Heir to the Duchy of Galitzin
City of Rebma

 

 

 

 

 

“Huh.  You know, I’ve heard humans view material wealth as an allure, same as shicts view body counts.  But I’ve got to say, I’ve never heard of someone trying to appeal to someone else with material wealth that doesn’t exist.

“You might be onto something here, though.  Since you can’t very well prove that you come from beneath the sea, I’d just go along with that and start making all manner of outrageous claims.  Start claiming you ride giant birds, except they fly under the sea.  Tell her you use shells as money and your grandfather was a colossal hermit crab, so you’re exceptionally loaded.

“See, you tell her a small lie and she might believe it.  Being from the sea might be true, but she won’t believe it.  That’s too big a lie.  But you tell her a bunch of big lies and she’ll eventually start believing in the small one.  So, by the time you’re telling her that you can actually shoot a concentrated pheromone out your left nostril that will drive other women wild so she better start believing in Joao before some other girl gets to live in your crabfather’s giant, rotting carcass, she’ll be ready to believe you live under the sea.

“…unless she already believes you.  Oh, wait, is this one of those ‘I’m too rich to be seen with a dirty girl’ things?  Damn, wait, I know this.  Uh, true love conquers all…or some stuff like that?  I don’t know.

“Try covering yourself with your own filth.  Ladies love that.”

From Hilary (part 1)

Dear Denaos
Sex is disgusting, messy, undignified, sweaty, exhausting and time consuming, well if you’re really lucky it is. That is what makes the shared pleasure of it so amazingly beautiful. So why do many men think they can bypass the above and see how quickly they can achieve their own/partners pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hilary, I’m about to do something I never thought I would.  Like all men, I swore the oath when I was of age.  By the time I first found hair on my body, my father took me aside and told me that I, like every other male, would be told the tales and must swear to uphold the lessons we learned.

“It could very well be that I’m compromising my very life by telling you this.  But the need is urgent.  The secret is great.  You need to know and I need to tell you.

“You see, for centuries, man has been in competition with man.  It’s our natural desire to try and compete, instilled in us since food was short and we had to prove we were worthy to take it.  This sense was sharpened every time resources ran low: be it food, wine or cheap undergarments.  We, as men, had to compete with one another to ensure our share.

“And why?  For mates.  We had to collect enough food to prove that we could provide for mates.  We had to collect enough wine to prove that we could provide more fun for mates.  We had to collect enough cheap undergarments to prove that, even if our mates happened to have some real bad curry, we could be relied upon.  Always, men have put pains through each other for the sake of women.

“That is, until things weren’t scarce anymore.  When food and wine are plentiful, so is mating.  And because mating is plentiful, there’s no need to compete anymore.  But our instincts are too sharp to be discarded so easily.  Our primordial drive to compete can’t be shut off now.

“So, mating itself has become a competition.  At first it started just by seeing who could mate more.  But for those of us who can boast about having regular intimacies, our competition has become more refined.  I belong to that small sect, a group of comely men who participate in trying to outdo each other through sheer speed.

“Sex Racing is not always a clean sport.  And it’s certainly not a pretty one, but it has to be done.  The rules are quite simple: whoever finishes first is the fastest Sex Racer, and thus is the best at mating, a man who could theoretically hump his way across the continent before the rest of us have even dropped our trousers.

“Such a man will be the future, Hilary.  Try to think of that the next time you’re lying in bed, reading a book and trying to ignore the sweaty man snoring beside you.  Better yet, start timing him.  And scream: ‘THIS IS THE FUTURE.  THIS IS HOW IT ALL BEGINS.’  Constantly.

“Men love that.”

From Hilary (part 2)

Dear Kataria
What do you do with his porn stash when you find it and what should be his punishment for not sharing it?

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not sure I’m reading this right.  Is this a problem?  I mean, I guess it’s a little offensive that he has something to do without you, but I don’t think you’re looking at it the right way.  While he spends his time doing…something, you have all this free time to do something else!

“You could pick up a new hobby!  Like snare-making!  Or skinning!  You could learn the finer points of cutting a throat so that your prey bleeds out in seconds, instead of minutes.  Everyone goes acting like it’s something just anyone can do, like it’s something that doesn’t require practice.  Well, when they’re lying on the ground screaming at you for slashing their throat, you remember that it’s a damn art form.

“Where was I?

“Anyway, the only thing that should really concern you is when he starts doing his stuff in places that are unacceptable, like the kitchen counter or your herb garden.  If you catch him naked there, just spritz him with a little water and shove him outside.”

Part 2 on Friday!