Sam Sykes’ Birthday List

It is currently May 10th.  Tomorrow is May 11th, also known as Sam Sykes Day, the day in which Sam Sykes cleaned the Augean Stables, defeated the Royal British Fleet, successfully landed at Normandy and cracked the human genome.  It is a day in which the universe aligns in joy of the creation that is Sam Sykes, singing songs of his virtues, his feats of strength, his outstanding eyebrow shape and possibly flashes its tits in his direction but only for a moment so the other planets don’t see and think the universe is a sluts.

I’ve already gotten a few good presents so far, such as this one from my friend Matt Clarkson, of Australia, who wrote on my Facebook page…

Six bookstores were sold out of Tome before I could find a copy for my friend, I do believe you’re quite popular Mr. Sykes

Six.  Six bookstores, friends.  We have sold at least SIX books (maybe more?)  Perhaps Sam Sykes is a friend and admirer of the Australians after all.  Perhaps Sam Sykes will take back his comment that he once thought Kevin Rudd was a hip hop artist.  Perhaps Sam Sykes will walk the deserts of this great southern land and probably return a dessicated husk of flesh.

Or maybe he’ll just hope everyone is enjoying it so far!

In other news, I’ve also been made aware of the fact that CD-WOW!, a fine-ass stocker of fine-ass entertainment, is stocking Tome of the Undergates, thus allowing you another fine-ass place to purchase this fine-ass book from.  Why not take your fine ass over there and see if it tickles you in a way you find great?

Now, then, these are pretty good presents so far, friends.  But this is Sam Sykes, a man who stands taller than most trees and whose appetites are vast and endless as the oceans are deep.  While he is pleased, he will never be satisfied.  Never.  Thus, he releases to you his birthday list, with requested gifts from his closest and nearest of friends.  Please read and take note.  If you are able, try to pressure these people into appeasing Sam Sykes in a truly Chamberlain-fashion.

From Joe Abercrombie, I would like you to acknowledge that I am, indeed, over six-foot-three and that you think I am “fine like wine.”  I will accept any other positive comparison, so long as it is in rhyme form.

From Stephen Deas, I would appreciate a free-style hip hop beat (with a phatness factor of at least 15) about how much you liked my book.  Please make liberal use of most rap slang, including “phat,” “dope,” “stank,” “donk” and “labrador.”

From Suzanne McLeod, please stage a one-woman re-enactment of Highlander and videotape it.

From Mark Charan Newton, please change your middle name to “Charon” and demand a bidding of two pieces of copper for every book you sign for the next five years.  Also, please buy me a boat.

From Tom Lloyd, withdraw the harassment charges you pressed against me for that time I called you and breathed heavily over the phone.

From Aidan Moher, I demand that you acknowledge that I know a little bit about hockey and am not just saying it in an attempt to impress you.

From Alex Bell, please study this video very carefully, then re-enact it.  You may have to gain several pounds and lose several inches, but accuracy is appreciated.

From Jaine Fenn, please beat up everyone who refuses to do as I ask.

Also, as a brief reminder, I will be at the Poisoned Pen bookstore this Wednesday and at LepreCon (with George R.R. Martin!) this weekend, as well at Phoenix ComicCon for the dates mentioned there.

Hope to see you at one (or all?) of them!