Release Date? More like Release Wait!

In two days, it’s February 18th.  This is a significant date for a few reasons.  It is the day when Pluto was discovered.  It marks the first publication of Mark Twain in the United States.  It is the day when the following people died: Johnny Paycheck, noted songwriter, Dale Earnhardt, noted race car driver and Martin Luther, noted religious leader/race car driver.

It is also the date when Amazon.co.uk claims that Tome of the Undergates is being released.

You’ll undoubtedly have both noticed the specific wording of that sentence and have undoubtedly come to the conclusion that I am not nearly as clever as I think I am for making that up, so I’ll just cut to the point.

Tome of the Undergates is coming out April 15th, 2010 and not February 18th, 2010.

You are likely irritated, I know.  And frankly, I’m just as pissed off as you are.  I would try to explain that Amazon tends to just throw out whatever date they feel is sexy, but you’re much too clever for that, knowing full well that there is no such thing as a world in which Amazon does not have your well-being as their foremost priority.  I could tell you that the publisher has the final word in the release date and that they’ve been telling me (and Amazon) this for ages now, but that’s hardly satisfactory.

So, like you, I went for the true culprit behind this.

Myself.

In an attempt to get to the bottom of this particular set of corporate shenanigans, I tracked down and cornered myself and drew me into a hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners interview.  The shocking results are below.

Hello, Sam Sykes, and welcome to this hard-hitting, buffalo-style interview.

Thanks, Sam, happy to be here.

You don’t mean that, but the dulcet tones of your rolling baritone have convinced me that you are telling the truth and want me to be safe, not unlike an old man whispering as he strokes a kitten.  Tell me, Sam Sykes, how do you manage to maintain such lurid vocals?

It’s true that I am often known for my melodic siren call that has driven women to hurl themselves off cliffs (in adoration for me, no doubt), and while I am loathe to share my secret, I will give you this one key phrase: dolphin menses.

That is both horrifying and arousing.  So, speaking frankly, Sam, what’s the real deal behind release dates?

Believe me, I’m just as angry as you.

Are you sure?  I just kicked my niece down a staircase to show her how cruel the world can be.

I’m almost as angry as you, then.  But the truth of the matter is that, while Amazon does throw out release dates like they’re no big thing, it ultimately fell to me to produce more information to the readers.  I could have done more, I know…I should have done more.

No, Sam!  There was nothing you could do!  That war was hell on all of us.  One man couldn’t be expected to pay Charon’s toll all by himself…the dead…they were too many.

I’m done living with excuses, Sykes.  I’m done living with the pain and the fear.  I’m done living with closing my eyes and seeing them all again, cut down by Amazon, waiting for the release and never getting it.  I’m done with…I’m just done.

Don’t do it, Sykes!  Sykes!  Sykes?

…

Sykes?

…

SYYYYYYYYYYYKES!

…and there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.  Samuel Sykes, that magnificent stallion, came and went into our lives with nary more than a thought and a release date that he so valiantly gave his life correcting for us.  Let us not remember him as the coward who stood by idly while corporations made release dates that no one confirmed, but rather, let us know him as he was in those last moments when he made right and gave his very essence to set the world alight with his passion.

For in those last moments…we saw him, the true Samuel Sykes.

That was beautiful.

Thank you…wait a moment, you’re supposed to be dead!

I was going to, but then I stopped off to get a milkshake.

I just told the audience you were dead!

That was sweet of you!

What am I supposed to tell them now?

Well, I did actually suffer for this milkshake.  It was cold.

…

REALLY cold.  I might have got a brain freeze.  So you weren’t in vain or anything.

…

Sykes!  Sykes?

SYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY–